asking questions, seeking Truth and not allowing fear any control

last week i specifically felt the need to focus and pray for johanne more.
and so i have been.
everyday she's in our conversations, prayers and thoughts.
she has a room, a closet full of things, clothes and most importantly our love!

i daily walk into the room and look at her things.
i pause, i reflect, i anticipate
it is the wait of any adoptive parent
i would liken it to the wait of pregnancy, except that i find it worse
you have no guarentee of an arrival date, if even that the possibility of loss is great

since the moment in the dark of the room where i heard her prayers, she was chosen or did she chose me? whatever it be. i love her. we love her. as in any parents love for their child, they want what is best for her. _even_ if it must not be me and my family.

when i briefly met her mom, i became aware that she had a younger sister as noted here . i also became aware that there was another family interested in adopting her. obviously i had chose her first, yet it was said to me, whoever got their dossier in first. i wonder because maybe she did not think i was serious on adopting two? the child comes first...a ready and loving home is first priority to the children. the facilitator has had previous negative experiences where a family has said they have gone home to prepare their dossier and then a year went by. no family, no dossier. they had changed their mind, without mention. they had figured since they didn't show up she would know! so she has determined that the paperwork in first is what matters.

when i came home on my 2nd trip to haiti, i heavy hearted said to my husband, she has a younger sister. this caused me some confusion and conflict in heart. we talked of her and wondered if we could adopt her as well...realistically could we do it, if not now, maybe in time? we had no real answers. we also then talked of contacting her younger brothers adoptive family. we'd like them to have some sort of relationship or at the very least knowledge. i'm unsure of how old he is now.

i know Haiti is full of surviving children, i know some parents do their absolute best and love their children, yet just can't take care of them. i also know there are those who drop them off less than a day old,as well as those who emotionally neglect and physically starve them. a grim picture of reality. this is NOT limited to Haiti. this is a universal issue. so knowing johanne also has older siblings a brother & sister, as well as a younger brother who was adopted as an infant.....questions like why is johanne here alone now? why isn't her sister in the orphanage too? if her mother can't afford to feed johanne, what about her siblings, where are they? who feeds them? how are they being taking care of? pop in my mind. she was dropped off while i was there on my first visit to haiti in Oct. i overheard the conversation before we arrived to the village for the first time. small pieces of johanne's story, all that i have been apart of. her life has so much more that i don't currently know.

i recently became aware that the other parents seeking to adopt johanne, would like her sister as well as another child. also one of them is currently visiting in the village. apparently johanne is somewhat aware of that. i don't have all pieces of the situation and i don't know where they stand in their paperwork presentation. i (we) do not want to seperate families. yet it happens all too often with adoptions! i would not want it for my children. first thing we prayed about it, and did not feel a release, i wonder would be easier if we did?! do we know the grand picture....is there a reason, some logic, less heartbreak? all i know is the Word today spoke to me:

"According to your faith be it unto you." Matthew 9:29


I can not see the full view but God does....and so I continue into the unknown.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18


enter the worship circle

there is no love like yours in all the world
there there is no love like yours in the universe
there is no love that heals my broken heart
there is no love like yours
at all