and then it hurts

and it does pierce
to see it
to feel it
to realize
that it hurts
i'm outside
looking in
and not really knowing
whats going on...

it makes me wanna fight
and so i put on my prayer boxing gloves
yeah you better move back
cause i'm coming out swinging!!!

asking questions, seeking Truth and not allowing fear any control

last week i specifically felt the need to focus and pray for johanne more.
and so i have been.
everyday she's in our conversations, prayers and thoughts.
she has a room, a closet full of things, clothes and most importantly our love!

i daily walk into the room and look at her things.
i pause, i reflect, i anticipate
it is the wait of any adoptive parent
i would liken it to the wait of pregnancy, except that i find it worse
you have no guarentee of an arrival date, if even that the possibility of loss is great

since the moment in the dark of the room where i heard her prayers, she was chosen or did she chose me? whatever it be. i love her. we love her. as in any parents love for their child, they want what is best for her. _even_ if it must not be me and my family.

when i briefly met her mom, i became aware that she had a younger sister as noted here . i also became aware that there was another family interested in adopting her. obviously i had chose her first, yet it was said to me, whoever got their dossier in first. i wonder because maybe she did not think i was serious on adopting two? the child comes first...a ready and loving home is first priority to the children. the facilitator has had previous negative experiences where a family has said they have gone home to prepare their dossier and then a year went by. no family, no dossier. they had changed their mind, without mention. they had figured since they didn't show up she would know! so she has determined that the paperwork in first is what matters.

when i came home on my 2nd trip to haiti, i heavy hearted said to my husband, she has a younger sister. this caused me some confusion and conflict in heart. we talked of her and wondered if we could adopt her as well...realistically could we do it, if not now, maybe in time? we had no real answers. we also then talked of contacting her younger brothers adoptive family. we'd like them to have some sort of relationship or at the very least knowledge. i'm unsure of how old he is now.

i know Haiti is full of surviving children, i know some parents do their absolute best and love their children, yet just can't take care of them. i also know there are those who drop them off less than a day old,as well as those who emotionally neglect and physically starve them. a grim picture of reality. this is NOT limited to Haiti. this is a universal issue. so knowing johanne also has older siblings a brother & sister, as well as a younger brother who was adopted as an infant.....questions like why is johanne here alone now? why isn't her sister in the orphanage too? if her mother can't afford to feed johanne, what about her siblings, where are they? who feeds them? how are they being taking care of? pop in my mind. she was dropped off while i was there on my first visit to haiti in Oct. i overheard the conversation before we arrived to the village for the first time. small pieces of johanne's story, all that i have been apart of. her life has so much more that i don't currently know.

i recently became aware that the other parents seeking to adopt johanne, would like her sister as well as another child. also one of them is currently visiting in the village. apparently johanne is somewhat aware of that. i don't have all pieces of the situation and i don't know where they stand in their paperwork presentation. i (we) do not want to seperate families. yet it happens all too often with adoptions! i would not want it for my children. first thing we prayed about it, and did not feel a release, i wonder would be easier if we did?! do we know the grand picture....is there a reason, some logic, less heartbreak? all i know is the Word today spoke to me:

"According to your faith be it unto you." Matthew 9:29


I can not see the full view but God does....and so I continue into the unknown.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18


enter the worship circle

there is no love like yours in all the world
there there is no love like yours in the universe
there is no love that heals my broken heart
there is no love like yours
at all

in the village

its so cool that many of the parents adopting from the village are currently visiting! its SO thrilling to see the kiddos that i care about with their forever families! here are some very recent photo's of my daughter thanks to those currently visiting!!! one of the gals was "making up" the girls! o la la!



and some of the kids posing!

new pictures of johanne

when i went to get dieunika, johanne and i didn't get to spend much time together as it was a brief visit! i brought her some presents for christmas and we took some pictures. she still didn't know (that i'm aware of) that we're adopting her. on my second visit to the village she had kept some photo's of me and my family that i had brought for dieunika (before i had even realized she's really going to be my daughter). we had fun together playing and coloring then. i wished we had more time together. barbara and i was working in the office late my last night and j's mom came! i got a picture of them! johanne was SO EXCITED she couldn't stop smiling. Her mom was so cute, she kept smiling and didn't want to as she has a large gap of missing teeth. she tried so hard to stop. it was so adorable. i was also able to have her asked a few questions. ends up johanne has a younger sister who she says is 10. her mom said she actually has a total of five children! i thought she only had a younger brother and an older. aparently she has an older sister too. her younger brother's already been adopted though. i don't know exactly when. i do have the information on his parents. i hope to get in touch with them sometime. finding out she had a younger sister left me in a bit of confusion. when i go back i hope to get more clarity. barbara also told her mom that johanne had someone who wanted to adopt her. her mother was pleased although didn't show much emotion. johanne wasn't too far away so i'm sure she heard! she may have figured it out already anyhow. i can't wait to tell her! we already got along so well, i hope for the best response! i should have my dossier complete very very soon and off i'll go to spend time with her and maybe her family. i was so fortunate to spend quite a bit of time with dieunika's parents. i really hope for the same quality of a good relationship that i have with them. there is so much to learn about johanne though! i can't wait!!



here are a few photo's from others who have been in the village recently.





this little cutie she's holding i hadn't seen before. she's so good with the other kids!

chosen: where one becomes two

you can't go into an orphanage and come back the same. truly you can't. the first time i went was only for a few days. we had no real time to spend with the kids as we were in and out,then in and out again, focused on our purpose. it had already been an emotional journey due to the circumstance of our visit, yet to not see each and every pair of eyes searching for my attention was impossible! despite their situations, their eyes showed no trace of saddness! how could i not be moved by what i saw. babies,toddlers,tweens oh my! eyes wide and smiles big!! some in waiting for paperwork to process, some waiting to be chosen.

that word
chosen,
makes tears flow.

chosen.

they have to be chosen!
i can't fathom it-
here is where i choke up.
here is where my tears can not be contained.

to be chosen.....

my little one, dieunika chose me.
i did not seek her.
i have no words adequate or elegant enough to explain.

i
was
chosen.





i wonder if i could have enough tears to cry for every child that hasn't been chosen yet.
surely every night i spent there, i cried a thousand tears as
i was going to sleep with my little one
and she with her mommy.

i am not an orphan. she is not an orphan.

could you, would you,
do you know how it feels to be chosen?

waiting from birth to be
fed,loved and adored or
worse yet your parents
love you,
your dad dies while your mom
is pregnant
when she delivers she & baby are very ill
she barely walks into the village
trying to get her baby taken to the hospital
to be met by someone who sees the mother
herself is at deaths door
doctor says she won't live
amazingly she does!!
unfortunately she can't afford to feed herself
let alone her children
the new baby she loves is given up for adoption
the two older children come and go with her
for years being feed at the orphanage
sometimes your just dropped off
and left at the orphanage-
not just once
not just twice
enough times for you
to know it won't be the last
and such is the life of
johanne




this bright faced, sweet, hard working 12 yr old girl sees loving families
come in and out of the orphanage
chosing babies
the very babies and toddlers
that she looks after,
carrying water buckets,
washing their clothes by hand
feeding and changing them,
loving and playing with them!

on my first visit my friend had asked
her to look out for dieunika while we were gone.
with a big smile she agreed! she was important!!
the day before we were to go, in conversation
i joked to barbara my youngest son said he didn't want a younger
sister, he wanted an older one or one his age so he could play with her.
really he still wanted his "baby position". LOL
she casually mentioned well johanne is his age.
really, i thought her mother lived in the village with her.
hmm i hadn't thought seriously on it.
i would have to talk
to kerry and the boys.
so i did.
and i prayed,
and i thought could we possibly
get approved, get grants for two?
i thought one was going to be a challenge
BUT
i'm believing for the impossible!
its a very big commitment, but impossible
i don't think so!!!

the second visit to the orphanage
i brought a beautiful dress for johanne
and brought the others little gifts,shoes,clothes and formula.
the first day she and another girl her age asked to sleep
in the room with us. i said sure!
that night we each in a bed and
the lights out,
i hear
her praying.
tears begin slipping
down my face
and i cry out to
God.
my heart cries
for every prayer
she's every prayed
for every day
that she's gone without
for all the loss
and pain that her young
life has experienced
as i cried
and cried
not nearly enough tears
to cover her pain
i knew she has a future!!
so i ask God to give me the honor
to share her tomorrows.

she is chosen....
but she doesn't know it yet!!
i have to wait to tell her.
wait. yes wait. she has to go
on knowing she's not chosen.
we have begun the paperwork
and now have to
WAIT.

and so here our journey
as adoption parents
begin!